CRISES

The following are notes from a talk given by Robert Veninga (Prof. in Public Health at U of Minn) in Jan. 1987. The talk was extracted from his book, "The Gift of Hope", and his prior research on how people react/handle major crises and losses in their lives.

Each person copes with crises differently. It is an "any way you can" situation and the coping method is unique for each individual.

Bob Veninga identified 5 stages in working through a crisis. People go through all stages but not without looping around among stages - each person and crisis is different.

1. The Crisis
   
   No concentration
   Not analytical
   Poor conversations
   Don't want advice
   Want presence of another person
   

   (1-3 days)


2. Deliberate Activity
   
   Want to re-establish life
   Quick return to work
   Begin to think about future
   

   (1-3 months)


3. Hitting Rock Bottom
   
   Sudden anger
   Overwhelming loneliness
   "Life kind of ended"
   "My spouse not understand me"
   Guilt
   

   (3-12 months)


4. The Awakening
   
   "A Fortunate Coincidence" such as:
   

   New friendship
   Breakthrough at work
   New idea
   Religious discovery
   Financial gain
   

   Healed when "not controlled by the crisis" - a new agenda
   

   (9-15 months)


5. Acceptance
   
   Movin' on
   Something good for me in the crisis
   

   (2 years total)

Again, everyone copes differently and takes different amounts of time. But for major losses like the death of a child (most traumatic) and death of a spouse, it takes about 2 years to really work through the crisis.

Knowing these stages does not solve a crisis but does lend confidence that the person is not nuts as these various stages and reactions are experienced.

Bob Veninga also offered a number of strategies while working through a crisis.

1. You have not lost everything.
   
   Sounds trite but listing what you lost in one column and what's left in another column can be helpful: if not right away it may be a good thing to refer to later.


2. Be gentle with yourself.
   
   Consider: we are much more harsh with ourselves than we would be with a friend experiencing a similar crisis. Being harsh is not helpful.


3. Rely on friends
   
   A key to unburdening yourself
   We all are lonely
   A friend represents unconditional love: "I believe in you"
   Friends may well be God's emissaries


4. Don't make problems bigger than they are.
   
   We are all experts at making mountains out of molehills.
   Ask: "Is it life threatening?"
   We all can change our perception of a problem.


5. Rely on faith
   
   Crises are hard on faith
   Conservatives are hit the hardest
   "Forsaken by God" is a normal feeling
   Go through this testing and come out stronger

Are subsequent crises easier? Not really. The new crisis may be just as painful but if you remind yourself that you lived through one crisis, that knowledge lends confidence that you can live through the new one too.

John Windhorst, Minneapolis